Get More Gas
Rania Suleiman, managing editor
Hi, my name is Peter Roleum, and it is way too early for work! (it’s 10 p.m.) Not only do I have one hour commute, but I must fill up my gas. I stopped at some old run-down gas station and grabbed the pump, filling it up halfway. The final price came out to be 200 dollars! This is tragic, now I don’t have any extra money to buy expired Dr. Pepper infused beef jerky… the universe just hates me, I guess. My glove box had some money saved, so I used that to pay for the gas. I pulled the pump out of my car and two singular drops fell, that cost me another 100 dollars.
The next week my gas tank is low again, are you kidding me? This is what happens when you have a one-hour commute to and from work every day, but how else will I make money to pay for my gas? I get to the gas station, breathing in the familiar luxurious smell of gasoline and sweat. My favorite part about paying so much for gas is the awesome experience that comes with it, the random man heating his ramen noodles up with the fumes of someone else’s car and the group of teenagers buying all the energy drinks. Anyways while I was filling up my gas, I realized it now costs 500 dollars for half a gallon! There is no way I would be able to pay for this, so I decided to steal it.
I pulled the pump out and tossed it aside before quickly slipping into my car and starting it up. The guy at the pump next to me who is either picking his nose or eating greasy hot dogs with health code violations decided that stealing gas was an issue he must report.
“Hello? I am reporting Peter Roleum for stealing our petroleum,” says the guy.
“Petroleum stealing your petroleum? We don’t have time for these prank calls,” says the police.
“No! I am serious, that is his actual name,” says the panicked guy.
Meanwhile, I was halfway down the road when I had eight cop cars start chasing me. I saw them gaining on me, but thankfully around four of them pulled over because they ran out of gas. Seems that even the cops can’t afford gas in this economy, which is very concerning because they are supposed to be catching the criminals… oh wait a minute, that’s me. One of the cops took a sharp turn and cut me off, causing me to slam on my breaks which jerked me forward. I looked down at my dashboard, and it said, “low fuel” which didn’t shock me because not only does gas cost much more, but because resources are so scarce, they diluted the gas with 70 percent water. It is concerning because water is a resource needed to survive, I mean how else will ChatGPT run? Oh, and humans need water too.
The cop got out of his car; he had low gas too. He walks up to my window and knocks on it twice, so I rolled my window down and looked up at him sheepishly.
“Petroleum, do you know how much trouble you are in for stealing petroleum,” the cop yelled.
“My name is actually Peter Role-,” I started.
“Don’t talk over me, you are under arrest for theft,” the cop says with his intimidating final tone. “You have the right to remain silent.”
In the end, they gave me a life sentence in prison with zero trials. Now I share a cell with some man covered in tattoos and piercings who also stole gas, but he hasn’t tried to fight me yet so I should be fine. While being in prison is horrible, it is better than having to pay for gas! So hey, I take that as a win and a great ending!
