Truth Be Told

ELI KIM, Design Editor

A satire about misinformation on the internet.

Howdy friends, I am writing here to warn y’all of the dangers inside our society. My name is Krase Zippersin, but people ‘round here just call me Randy. I’ve been alone on my ranch in the Apalachees for as long as I remember, but these truths are so shocking they make me shiver to my core knowing y’all can’t see the truth. 

Now, some of y’all may see me as one of those Conspiracy Theorists, but I swear all the stuff I’m about to say comes from real things that have happened to me. All this is real; no crazy conspiracies nor theories are seen ‘round these parts. 

You may be thinking, “Randy, how come you’re so smart and all that from all the way up in them Apalachees?” Well, that, my friends, is all thanks to my friend Evan Crasier. Every week he sends me the Daily News from all the way down there from that there society. He prints it out cause I don’t got any of them new technologies, but I think that it is called, er, Red-it? It sure don’t look very red, but I swear it’s got all the news you could’ve ever seen. 

Bigfoot. Who is he? But nobody asks, how is he? Me and Evan were walking down the mountain when all the sudden we see this huge, half-man half-monkey thing walking to us. Well, we’re good ol’ American men, so obviously we pull out them freedom guns and try to blast that thing to the sun! But then it started talkin’ to us, and all the sudden, we were just chill like that. He says it was them governments doing some sort of experiment on him to turn him into some sort of Lizard-Person catcher. 

Now, what is a Lizard Person? It's like the government secretly turning them people into those Lizards you see, Man, they be turnin’ those poor little things into anything, like those “Animorphs”. We’ve been trying to find ways to reveal all this stuff soon to y’all , but see we need some more evidence you know. 

How do they keep all of this secret? Obviously, it's ‘cause of those damn pigeon drones! Now, how am I supposed to go number two in peace with those damn doves lookin’ at me funny? Shot one once with my buddies and, I swear to y’all, those cameras in them eyes be flickin’ on and off.  I know that governments also embezzle them funds into scientists, and they keep them on those projects like my boy Bigfoot. Can’t keep it all secret though, me and Evan are like that fella “Shershock Nomes” with all them discoveries. 

Everything you folk know about them governments are wrong, you see, these so-called “conspiracies” are nothing but the truth. My guess is that you’ve all heard the same thing from them so-called “authority” figures. “We can fix all yer problems!” “We ain’t that evil!” Poor souls. They’ve been hiding from us all these years everything that’s what's wrong ‘bout this here society. But I will fix it all for you, my friends, Randy has your back from up all in the Apalachees. Wait, think I hear a knock at the door. One second, y’all. Ohhh shitknuckles is that them FB-