The Monochrome Nature Hallmark Movies

Hunter Campolo, staff writer

Imagine getting popcorn, a warm blanket, and setting aside two hours, just to sit down and watch a movie… where nothing happens. This is the routine of someone who watches Hallmark movies, and they must be the blandest people on earth.  Nobody on earth could possibly enjoy these types of films. A Hallmark movie is a sentimental, formulaic movie, with a light-hearted plot and family friendly content. In other words, they’re waste of time, disguised as an exciting rollercoaster - if the rollercoaster was a straight line at 10 miles per hour. There’re no twists and turns, and the plot is the same every time: big city girl goes to a small town for family or work, meets someone who couldn’t have less chemistry with them, but then they get married and live happily ever after. That’s it. That’s the entire movie. Most of the time it’s at Christmas time, or a holiday, and they’re meant to be watched by families around the respective movie’s holiday. What a dull way to spend two hours of family time. Go have fun, explore the wilderness, play in the sand or the snow.   

“Oh, but they’re usually unique,” okay then Luke McCrary from SCAD, please explain the difference between “Looks Like Christmas”, “An Ice Wine Christmas,” “A Christmas Melody,” “A 90’s Christmas,” “A Biltmore Christmas,” “A Royal Christmas,” and “All I need for Christmas.” Wait… it’s not possible? No way! It’s almost like every single movie is… exactly the same! Because of their feel-good endings, low-stakes plots, they make the watchers feel comfortable enough to sleep; they’re practically two-hour lullabies. In Christmas Bedtime Stories, a mom tells her daughter bedtime stories about her MIA husband. After an hour and 20 minutes of nothing, they find him, the end. Can’t forget about Time for Them to Come Home for Christmas and its sequel, Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas that came out a year later, which are almost identical too.   

The people that push out these feel-good nothing burgers are even worse than the people that consume them. It’s like copying off someone on the test but not changing the answers. Even the actors come back to claim another bag; Nelson Wong is in three of his Christmas movies, Ryan Paevey is in 2, Ron Oliver, dubbed the “King of Hallmark Movies,” has made 29 of the same movies in a row, and become a millionaire off it. On the same hand, the Queen of Hallmark Movies, Lacey Chabert, has acted in over 40 of them. Acting in them must be the easiest thing ever, just be a regular person, and by this point she’s proficient enough to be able to replicate her role with perfect accuracy. They say 10,000 hours is how long it takes to master a skill. If Chabert acted in 60 more movies, she might be unstoppable. It would be hilarious if in 40 years her biography is a hallmark movie.   

It must take an iron will to plan, make, and finally watch hallmark movies, because it requires the participants to have the personality of a slab of iron. When Christmas rolls around, be excited for these movies to come on, or don’t.