Having a boyfriend is more than just embarrassing
This fall, Vogue lit up the internet, sparking discussion over a provocatively titled opinion piece: “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” The article, by Chanté Joseph, suggests a perspective on the perils of heterosexual dating experienced by straight women. “Where being single was once a cautionary tale,” Joseph explains, “it is now becoming a desirable and coveted status—another nail in the coffin of a centuries-old heterosexual fairytale that never really benefited women to begin with.” It dips its toes into a more profound analysis of the pitfalls of heteronormativity.
Yet the article leaves me wanting more, and that there is more to be said regarding the dynamics of gender in such relationships and its cultural implication. Joseph’s focus lies on the perception of being heterosexual through the eyes of a netizen—the “ick” of seeing boyfriend content and the influence of a boyfriend on a woman’s online identity, lending the topic to the same oversimplification so prominent in online spaces. I can appreciate the article’s use of heterofatalism, a word coined by writer Ara Seresin used to describe women’s feelings of embarrassment tied to participating in straight relationships. But Joseph fails to break free from a basal online understanding. “Even partnered women will lament men and heterosexuality—partly in solidarity with other women, but also because it is now fundamentally uncool to be a boyfriend-girl.”
The internet is rampant with what Seresin calls “performative disidentification.” There is a need for those presenting an online persona to redeem themselves from conservatism by separating themselves from traditional roles and values, while doing little to truly realize the scope of progressive ideas. This is not to say that the only true, sincere disidentification means completely rejecting heterosexuality through turning to celibacy or political lesbianism. Sincerity lies in the effort to take hold of preemptive disappointment and accept the possibility of changing heterosexual culture for the better.
There is something especially juvenile, moreover, about much of the discourse surrounding the article. More accurately, the discourse surrounding the headline. The question is relevant and purposefully affronting an increasingly anti-earnest society obsessed with selling an image of “coolness”. Easy to digest, it, in a way minimizes and misrepresents something bigger than embarrassment or a purely discursive gender war. A vast majority of online responses make it clear that the one engaging has not made the effort to read past the trending screen capture of the article’s title.
Sure, but what do I think? Despite my criticism of headline culture, I’ll take a moment to engage with the discourse and offer my own perspective. Of course, I’m in high school. Everything disappointing about relationships is amplified in the adolescent dating scene, and it goes ignored due to our youthful optimism towards love. Which is sweet, and how it’s meant to be, I think. At least for a short time. This is our scrimmage before we get thrown into the real game. Even then, there will inevitably be room for improvement. Still, I think no one should settle for embarrassment. While remaining conscious of the persistent imbalances in heterosexual relationships, let‘s not give up on being the best lovers we can be. In the words of Donald Barthleme, “One should never cease considering human love, which remains as grisly and golden as ever, no matter what is tattooed upon the warm tympanic page.”